"His New Journey"

The past year has been full of ups and downs. Keith was doing well for the most part. At least as well as could be expected and at times he was great. He hadn't been in the hospital for a year. He has had a positive attitude and a true zest and love of life that has kept him going. His cancer appeared to still be dormant but the struggle with his CHF (congestive heart failure) had been an ongoing daily struggle. He had to watch everything he ate for the sodium count. That was not an easy task! Especially for someone that loved food..
    As quickly as this scary journey began his new journey has begun. My best friend and soul mate passed away very suddenly on March 21, 2011.
   It all just happened so fast! He was going about his normal daily routine except he was feeling pretty good and he was doing more than usual. He got up ate breakfast, took a shower, watched some tv, did dishes, then made himself lunch and back to tv and his puzzle book.
   My boys had come home from school and went out with friends, my daughter went to the bus stop to get my youngest daughter at 3:35.  I stepped out of the room and the next thing I knew he started coughing, he called me to get his oxygen and said he couldn't breathe to call 911..it all just happened so fast there was no time to think.. no sooner did I hang up the phone he became unresponsive and never came out of it. I was  in shock, I felt like I couldn't move or breathe....dumbfounded.
   My daughters came in at 3:42 from the school bus, before the ambulance arrived and I was trying to perform mouth to mouth, I sent them outside in hopes that my 6 year old wouldn't be traumatized, I remember thinking that if I could just get him to breathe everything would be okay. I knew that when she saw my reaction she knew there was something wrong but there was nothing I could do. When the paramedics arrived(it seemed like it took forever) he was in complete cardiac arrest. They worked on him for at least 15 minutes before taking him out. In my heart I already new he was gone. I felt him go, but I was still in disbelief. As if it weren't real. Like a horrible dream. I was trembling from head to toe and I couldn't think. Thank God my sister came. I had scramble to find all of my kids and tell them I was going to the hospital, and clean up the mess from the paramedics before I could leave. If it weren't for my sister I really don't know what I would have done at that moment. My thoughts were just racing.
   I keep reminding myself that he is in a better place and free of misery and that one day we will meet again but it is so hard to imagining our lives without him . 

  I haven't left his side for more than a few hours in the past 2 years. I am feeling very lost and very alone.
Life can be so unfair! I know that we were blessed with the time that we've had with him but it doesn't make it any easier to bear.

 So for now I need to go.
I plan on continuing to write this blog, I think  it  will help me cope with whatever comes our way.

God Bless and Thank you for reading my blog!

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"A New Day" written 10/2010

I don't even know where to start it's been so long since I've written so I'll just start off by saying that I feel truly blessed, my husband so far is still in remission!

Much has happened though, in March he got a case of bronchitis and was hospitalized, put back on steroids and they changed his heart meds again. They put him on cardizem 360 which was a HUGE mistake! Between the heart pills and the steroids he ended up with CHF (congestive heart failure) again. He put on 69lbs in 3 weeks the majority of it was from fluid retention. This poor man was barely able to walk to the bathroom by himself let alone anything else.To be honest he had so much fluid on him that I was truly afraid! (Last October when he was on life support the main cause was from CHF. ) He had a home nurse that was coming once a week for about 2 months and then he had a home lab that came twice a week. He wasn't able to even sleep lying down. Finally at the end of August he was starting to feel a little better. He got most of the weight off and was able to start sleeping laying down again. He still doesn't move around much because it takes a lot out of him but I Thank God everyday that he is okay! My oldest daughter has gotten a bit crazy!I often find myself saying the serenity prayer over and over. She's 20 going on 15. I always thought that I was so lucky because she really didn't rebel that much and now she is making up for lost time. She 's been dating this guy for about 8 months and it has been absolutely insane. I know that when we're young we don't think but, she is just really making some huge mistakes. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do is let go and let God. I pray everyday that she is going to be okay and that she'll wake up and see the light. Her heart is so big that she wears it on her sleeve and she's always the one that falls. My oldest son is a senior this year, I'm excited and sad all at the same time! He's planning on going to college next year! My sister has been gone for almost a year now and I still can't believe she's gone, I miss her more and more everyday. My brother in law and nephew moved out of their apartment last week and we went over to help, it was very hard. I really haven't been over there much since she passed, only to drop things off or pick things up. Well that's all for now, Thank you for still following my blog! Take care and God Bless!